the best stuff is friends only. as it is somewhat personal, i do
expect you to respond in kind, reciprocity.

Game.
Set.
Match.

That's one less person getting away with harming and taking
advantage of people. Keep logs. Speak the truth, always.

Done, son.

(now hopefully they get some medical help; this is not who
you may think it is)

well, i just don't know what to say.

i didn't lose my contract like i figured i would when the
words first hit me. but i haven't been working enough hours
to matter for anything given all the jumping around this
past week because of hotel mixups. i'll work a full week
next week. hopefully i can get the money just right.

i'm pretty numb. trying my best to not even think about all
of that. all of her. my best guess is this, oh wait did i tell
you she sent me another message saying how SHE was devastated
and i had done these bad things? right. my best guess is she
spiraled out again and because she really did care, does care,
she cut me off, pushed me away to keep from her misery.

i guess this because she had spoken of how she didn't feel
it was acceptable to involve anyone else in her mistakes.

i am done with her. the only way she could salvage anything
with me is to show up at my doorstep apologizing. she did a
lot of good things for me. a LOT. but i can't repay her in
kind because she is... a ghost. i must take the good and the
bits that work and use those as a cornerstone to something
more solid, something more like a normal human life.

i know i am supposed to be doing this for myself. but i don't
care enough to do so. so i am doing it for everyone out there
who has ever believed in me. i don't want them to feel like
their attention and love was wasted.

i still covet a partner. i thought i really had one. but i'm
not going to throw myself at anyone or anything to fill that
space. i really, really, just don't want to do life alone
anymore. i've done it already. it's over. i want to share
this experience, this beautiful existence with someone who
feels like i do.

so i guess i am saying, even before the reality sets in of
everything, that i won't stop being open to the possibilities.

is there no honour?

some people.

seriously.

clever trick, not gonna stick.

There is a storm on the sun today, no different than any
other day. Towering heights larger than our home, with
energy to fuel our piddly lives for centuries. Just one
of many, one of countless explosions of power and light
that make for a rather uneventful day on our star.

There is a feeling within me, running deep, through the
core, to the surface, filling in the little areas that
tremble between the shells of electrons. This feeling has
been gathering, growing, germinating, becoming something
more than the sum. More than it should be. More than is
possible.

But no, possible, is again to be rewritten for this pulse
powers through all barriers, across any bridge, through
any wall that can be erected in the name of self defense,
in the name of fear. This vibration of space and time
plays a beautiful song no one but me can hear, and avoid
it I can not, for it calls to me with every waking moment.

Bourne of another, this note multiplies in complexity and
twists and turns and tangles about with all it comes in
contact with until the simple note becomes a cacophony of
sounds, rising up, taking form. Now the pristine beauty
is replaced with something else, something almost decadent
in its glory as it barrels towards my heart.

And as it comes in all that sound and fury, therein lies
a place of calm, a place of contentment, a home for me
to place myself, and I know that this is the place, this
is the moment, this is the fact that was waiting, the one
kept hidden for a lifetime, finally revealed.

There is a storm on the sun today, no different than any
other day.

i've really felt like posting a lot more stuff lately.

most of it isn't fb compatible, guess it could be with a
limited audience. would post it here, but the lj community
aspect barely exists anymore. google+ is a definite no, if
i use it at all it will be for technical stuff. twitter?
sorry i just don't work on that cycle of information speed.
twitter is like sending a postcard when you could just be
using a telegram. reddit/slashdot/etc... those are all such
hive minds. bah. bring back the BBS!

Because I have absolutely nothing negative to say at
this moment.

These recent events, turns, twists, life could not be
turning out any more beautiful for me.

Accepting and embracing all of it.

i just really don't know what to do.
forget it all?
make it go away?
fuclkjebkahh;vj

nothing. could. nothing. could have
prepared anyone for this.

keep hope alive they say

I've brought hope back from the dead many
times already ... and still

still

i worry
i wonder

still

still

still

still